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A true tale for Halloween: When I lived in a haunted house.

31 Oct

6813c4ef805074a10249f3d74e7add80b9689ab9_645_430

So, happy halloween readers, I thought I’d share this with you. Yes it seemed appropriate to post this up seeing as though it’s the season of all things ghostly. I can assure each and everyone of you that this tale is genuine (its no creepy pasta made up shite, its my true account of what happened to us before my eldest was born)

Of course, I’m not expecting that you’ll believe, I know what happened and it was one of the creepiest paranormal experiences I’ve ever been witnessed to….

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Crowdfunding Spotlight: Sexy Orcs Kickstarter by Ekmel Sword

20 Oct

WTF!? Exactly! I thought I’d kick off this post with these surreal and barmy miniatures from Ekmel Sword Miniatures from over on Kickstarter. Crazy is not the word for these sets of what are termed”sexy” 28mm Orcs on offer here, but hey, you know me, I love those crackpot mini ideas!

As you can see, these suave greenskins are quite dapper and Ekmel go further into the sexy aspect, even including a stripper orc and cosplay TMNT orcs (How that is sexy, I don’t know) As weird as they are, I can still see that these would be useful in some respects for civilians if you have an orc/ork collection. Some of the above would be quite good as bodyguards, advisors and the like (especially if you need some “Imperialised” Orks for your Blood Axe mob)

Bad points; They are quite basic and a bit naive in the sculpt, but not without charm, almost reminding me of the recent Cowboy Orcs KS and another project I can’t recall the name of from a few years back (which was a hand sculpted board game featuring lots of orcs, the name slips my mind, Chronobound or something…) The detail seems limited and most of which seems to be obtained by painting.

Good points; They have bags of character and are fun. Best of all they are weird (which is good) After all, if you need an orc stripper to go around your battlefield to T-bag the fallen foes!!

On another note, if the good folks at Ekmel are reading this, I’d suggest that the next set you create would be the females (not anime-esque versions, more like drag orcs or Monty Python inspired if you get me) They would compliment this first set and add more Orc civvies to what you can get.

Anyway, check them out over on the KS project page if you want to learn more or get some sexytime for your mob!

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/23289742/sexy-orcs-miniatures

I Want that F*%king Miniature!: Snookums Horrorclix

16 Oct

titlekingminis

I haven’t had much opportunity to post recently, nor have I had chance to access any of my stuff to continue my articles in the Grim’s Dungeons of Doom series (Trust me, next part is coming up in the form of barrels…) So, with that in mind until normal service is resumed I’m going to be posting up some previews of stuff I’m working on and a new type of series simply called “I Want that F&%king Miniature!” detailing the weird, strange or simply cool minis out there that I just have to get hold of.

To kick it all off I want to start with this trippy mini from the Horrorclix range, Snookums.

snook

Now, while a lot of miniature purists don’t hold the clix figures as the best due to their prepaints and bendy plastic, I’ve always thought that with a good repaint or touch up that most of the time they work out fine (mostly)

Where I am most of the access to clix figures is quite limited mainly to ebay and such, so when I saw this I just thought to myself, I just have to have it.

Rolf "paedo" Harris pops by to sketch Barney and his child cult whilst in the process of praising the dark lord Satan.

A Rolf “paedo” Harris lookalike pops by to sketch Barney and his child cult whilst in the process of praising the dark lord Satan. Shemhamforash!, Hail Barney!

Everyone knows Barney, that “loveable” purple dinosaur of TV fame, who seems to hang around with groups of brainwashed kids in his creepy Paedo-istic (Is that really a word? No, but you get the idea) style.Well, this figure takes that disturbing vibe and amplifies it by adding an evil zombiefied edge, sharp teeth and chainsaw.

When I saw this figure I thought of the possibility of getting quite a few of these and running some kind of game in a similar vein to five nights at freddies. I’m all for parody miniatures, the weirder the better in fact, even so people find figures like this limited in use, I could easily use this as a antagonist in any number of games, after all, who wouldn’t enjoy the idea of kicking the shit out of a load of Barneys over and over, and I’m sure it’d be the nearest any of us will ever get to it. Imagine the 40K fun you could have sending waves of these against your Imperial forces!!

WTF!! Bathtime will never be the same again!!!

WTF!! Bathtime with Barney will never be the same again!!!

A quick slice and swap out the chainsaw for any number of weapons for variety. I just love the weirdness of this mini! I think I’ll be trying to acquire a few of them for future use. If there are any of you out there with any going spare, feel free to drop me a line regarding doing a swap or such ever.

I’ll be back later with a Grinning Skull miniature greens preview and more 4xD babble!

The Semalt Saga, the next chapter…The sad tale of Andrew Trimchenko.

30 Dec

Mr Trimchenko

There once was a scammer called Trim(chenko),

Who sent a late email to our Grim,

He laughed at the traffic bout semalt,

Grim told em’ the trouble’s their fault,

And that he was a Ukrainian crim!!

Before I begin, I warn you who are easily offended by obscenity, foul language and crudity, it’s going to get worse, This apology is solely to my readers, and not those who are affiliated by Semalt (which can go fuck) I do try to keep it generally “clean” here, but if you know me personally, you’ll not be surprised at how much filth I spout on a daily basis. Please, dear reader, continue….

To be honest with you, with all the strife I’ve had this last half of the year, the subject of that annoying Semalt has been far from my mind, somewhat unimportant compared to real life. So, when I looked at my mail yesterday, I was surprised to find a reply to one of the countless emails I had sent to them in response of them attempting to make out that I was endorsing the site via a link on their blog. To be truthful, I had totally forgotten I’d sent it (I did attempt to spam them with loads of messages to take the piss, but to no avail) I did think that they’d disapeared up their own ass. Obviously, I was wrong.

When I opened it, I really was a bit miffed to say the least, partly down to being a bit pissed off already, and its contents (maybe I’m taking it the wrong way, their smug attitude tends to get me angry) but anyway, I’ll let you know what it said.

From Andrew Timchenko- Re: Knock Knock, who’s there?, Me, Me who? Remove my links from your sites. (Each email subject I sent had similar titles as I recall, I did start polite, I think, but since they kept ignoring me, I may as well have been writing “fuck fuck fuck etc etc” as they weren’t going to do as I asked)

Ha-ha
I see you have a lot of benefits from your semalt activity )))
(Here was an Alexa link to try and suggest that something like 30% of search engine traffic was semalt related, I’ve omitted it as I find that the data from Alexa is very sketchy regardless of how much I attempt to make sure it’s accurately represented, trust me I gave up a long time ago!)
 
Maybe you shouldn’t write about game industry and start your own blog about Semalt using our affiliate links.
Just think about it ))) 
Best regards,
Andrew Timchenko
Senior Sales Manager on Semalt

It might not seem too bad, but personally I think its taking the piss (British slang for “adding insult to injury” etc)

Why? well to start with it’s a reply to a message sent beards ago, that still as far as I know, they didn’t bother with until now. Secondly, Ha ha? what do you fucking mean, Ha ha? Hey Timchenko, you frigging prick, you think your funny do you? it just shows your smugness and dickish attitude to users of the web, who have been affected by your shady shitmalt site. Showing me a tenuous half arsed link to justify your “funny” just shows how much of a spaz you are. Do you think I give a shit? You obviously sent this to me to piss me off, or am I mistaking your attempt at humor for some truly wonderful beneficial advice? Are you listening Andy? I know you are, you know full well that everything you send me relating to this saga, will be published, satirised, and lampooned. I truly do not give a flying fuck, you Ukrainian knobsack. The reason I’m annoyed, is not that I’m insulted by your feeble humor, it’s like a stupid child yapping on about crap before someone kicks the shit out of them.

What do you think it would achieve? You really must enjoy making yourself and semalt look even bigger cunts than everyone thinks already. I’m not saying that I’m a comedy genius, but pleeeaase Bitch, I’m British, our entire culture is based on sarcasm and humorous observation because the place we live is constantly crappy (Well, I’m talking about the weather, you probably live in fear of Russian troops breaking into your house and fucking you up the ass! (or perhaps you secretly long for it, you dirty sovblok fucker!)

Yes, of course I could take your grand advice and stop blogging about the game industry (guess what asswipe, I tend to blog about what so ever I feel like, have you realised that a good proportion here is just random gubbins? No, your too busy wanking off (to be clear, wanking means masturbation if you don’t understand) to your pictures of Vladimir Putin. I’ll stop writing about the games industry, when you go and rub your bell end on a cheese grater. I couldn’t ever imagine writing anything that supports your corrupt and scamming piece of web diarrhoea. You may not understand that not everyone is obsessed with ripping people off, or fucking them over for your magnum opus later on. I do what I do not only for my own promotion, but for fun. You must think that your so professional with your stupid message? Or is it that you are genuinely trying to get me on side? Either way it’s retarded (but hey, I always thought you looked a little spong eyed, no wonder your master plan bit the big time)

On second thoughts, I reckon the only way I’d succumb to your side would be if the lovely Natalia to come over here and discuss the virtues and benefits of joining your side. I imagine her seductively draped over satin sheets, wearing nothing but a fur coat, urging me to join her in a warm embrace all James Bond style. Oh I can assure you that I’d be giving her something better shaken, but not stirred (and with lashings of my very own Semalt from my loins!) A night with me, she’d be walking like john Wayne for ages after, make no mistake! It’s been suggested that the lovely Natalia could in fact be a robot (adding more to the Bondish mystery to her) but hey, in all honesty, even if she was a robot, I’d still give her one!! (well, several in fact) Maybe if you want a more civilised response out of me in future, get her to message me instead of you, shit for brains. Ask her if she’d like me to skype her? Hell yeah, I’d do her in every way I can think (and trust me I’d make shit up for the occasion) I was actually under the impression that she was involved with one of you ugly freaks? Is that true? Pity, cause I’ve seen pictures of the male staff there and you look like a right set of mongos. Natalia, Babe, if your reading this, come and see me sometime and I’ll show you it’s not just the upper lip that is stiff with us Brits!!

What really puzzles me is that, I didn’t plan on even mentioning Semalt again, I thought it had crawled away to die alone in the woods, mortally wounded by russian snipers. You just had to bring up your hilarious laugh a minute quip about my semalt related traffic! What you fail to get, is that yes Semalt did bring me traffic, but only from concerned webmasters and bloggers, not from endorsements praising you on the greatest SEO pointless corporate, and souless abortion of this type of site the world has ever seen. You really need to stop fucking around with those discarded guns from your civil war/invasion, because you just keep shooting yourself in the foot, again and again. Try pointing it at your head next time and spare me your sub par efforts in stand up comedy. Every time you bring Semalt to my attention, your going to do more damage than good. It’s actually funny you suggested making a blog about Semalt, as there’s plenty of posts on here that give you an idea of what the articles would be like, all piss and vinegar!

Why the fuck do you think that after all the negative publicity that you are even taken seriously? A simple google search for semalt reveals not just my past derogatory posts, but countless top tech security sites, warning of your dodginess. Now, you’ve just shot back up to the search listings with my latest critique, no doubt it’ll raise a few laughs and chortles in professional circles of the SEO world, at just how inferior Semalt is. You might argue that this site is nothing and purile, all but a childish effort, but I genuinely don’t care, this is an extension of me and my psyche.(Yes, I’m generally childish and purile, so it makes sense) I think that you must enjoy trying to goad me, your like a perv that sticks drawing pins in his scrotum for fun. Dirty boy!

You just give me something funny to write about every time, and my readers seem to like it too.

Remember all the times you blocked us from posting our opinions on your various outlets, time and time again we were censored in case perspective semalt users would be turned off by what we had to say. A typical Sovblok tactic isn’t it?, but just remember sites just like this and many others are not restricted and gagged. We will always speak our minds and there’s fuck all you can do about it.

Have a crappy new year, Andy.

On another note, I’m rather looking forward to the next feeble effort they send to me, I guess I’m going to have to face facts… The Grinning Skull is now at war with semalt. Lets hope they send the organ grinder to the front next time rather than one of the monkeys. Although, Natalia or the other tasty blonde are more than welcome to come and spank my very own monkey if the so desire, or even grind my organ! Up for a double team girls? (Not the other one with the fat round face though, shes a bit of a minger, don’t you think?)

So, I issue this challenge, How do ya like them apples? Is that your best effort?

Tune in next time for the next exciting episode of The Grinning Skull.

Will Andrew overcome his fear of clown rape? Will Nat and Grim make sweet music together? Will the master plan of semalt’s ruling dark circle be revealed?

Find out next time……..

 

Slenderman, slenderman, where for art thou, slenderman…

10 Jun

Slenderman-irl

The first time I ever heard about the Slenderman, was when one of my kids mentioned it to me, and asked if I ever heard of the legend (as if it was real) To which I told him that it was probably made up, as I’d not heard about it at any time. He and my daughter point out refused to believe me and even now, they still hold a mixed view on just where they stand in regard to the whole thing.

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